How to go to a networking event and feel like yourself

11 rules for making life-changing connections

Networking, in the traditional sense, was not created for so many of us. If you are part of the (very large) percentage of the population that is in a marginalized group, if you’re an introvert or an artist, if you have a multi-hyphenate career, you probably feel turned off by the word.

As you should.

I used to think networking had a PR problem, but I actually think there is something broken about the word, systemically.

If networking feels gross, it’s because the “rules” were originally created to keep you out. The “ladder” was not built to serve people like us: people who are uncomfortable presenting a performative version of themselves just to fit in.

Even though the rules have changed so much, even over the last 10 years, the word still gets under our skin in the same way.

Yet, the people who take networking seriously, myself (obviously) included, will tell you how truly life changing and life giving it can be.

Short of doing great work, putting yourself out there, meeting the right people, having electric conversations, getting in rooms full of people smarter than you, is the best thing you can do to expand your career.

As a person who deeply values the role work plays in my life, I want to be able to talk to people about my career, but do it in a way that feels as honest and real and messy, as most interesting careers are. I want to be able to genuinely ask for help and help others. I want to connect with cool people, just for the sake of it.

You don’t always have to be trying to get ahead to be networking. But also, if you are trying to get ahead, that should be okay too. After all, we’re all just trying to make it. If we were all just a lot more honest with ourselves and each other, we could approach opportunities to make the right connections in such a different way.

We could go to a networking event and feel like ourselves.

11 rules for making life-changing connections

1. No business cards.
   This feels obvious, but it’s still worth saying.

2. You cannot, under any circumstance, ask the question: “what do you do?”
   If someone asks this question, they may be reported and removed from the party. Instead ask questions like, what is one thing you’re excited to accomplish before the end of the year? What is a goal you have for 2026? What is your most favorite and least favorite part about your work right now? Tell me about a typical day in your life.

3. Really listen with both ears. Listen more than you talk. Like be there, and be present, as much as you can until you decide you don’t want to be there.

4. Wear what you feel your best in, seriously. If that’s a green suit, cool. If that’s sweatpants, super cool. Not only will this help you feel like you’re in your element, but it will help you gravitate toward your people even before talking to them.

5. When you meet someone you vibe with, let that be the win. You don’t always have to take some kind of immediate action.

6. If you do feel pulled to take some kind of immediate action after meeting someone, think first about what you could do for them instead of what they could do for you.

7. Embrace discomfort. What if long silences were intimate not awkward?

8. Be as honest as you can. You don’t have to give people the shiny, polished version of your story. Come with both your real successes and your real challenges.

9. Explore depth in your conversations instead of breadth. I can’t tell you how many well meaning friends and family members in my life truly have no idea what I do. If you don’t understand something, don’t change the subject, go deeper.

10. Come in expecting something cool to happen… I actually thing this is a big one. Typical networking events can cause people like us to shut down, which means we won’t present our most authentic energy, making it difficult to make a genuine connection. If you can come in feeling lucky, like something special is about to happen, you’re much more likely to stumble upon something that feels like magic.

I don’t have a number 11 yet, but it feels important to leave room for it to reveal itself.

Let me know if you have any additions.

I really feel so lucky that a large part of my work is dedicated to creating opportunities for people to connect with more depth, more intention, and more meaning.

If you’re coming to the event, I can’t wait to see you there. If not, you can join another Anti-Networking event, or the next Reach Out Party. 🫶

There is nothing I believe in more than the way one person leads you to the next. Or that we have so much more agency than we think in meeting the right person who can open up the right door at the right time.

if you’re a visual person, I told our photographer that this scene, from 13 going on 30, is what I want the event to feel like. 🥹