What to do with a fresh decade
I asked 30 people how to spend the next 10 years
My twenties began in Greeley Colorado studying musical theatre. I paid $250 a month to live in the basement of a one hundred year old house called “The Love Shack” with 4 roommates and a big dog.
My boyfriend who I met that summer at camp would come visit me there. He was twice my age (literally) and lived in New York City. He broke up with his age-appropriate(ish) girlfriend to be with me, which I thought made me very special.
I had just started Invisalign and my mouth hurt all the time with a throbbing pain. I’d pop the plastic trays in and out while kicking rocks inside the sidewalk cracks.
My twenties began at parties where theatre kids played drinking games on set pieces stolen from the theatre department while screaming their way through the Love On Top key changes. The flip cup table was a giant cog from a steampunk production of Sweeney Todd.
Sometimes I’d show up with a tumbler full of orange juice and stumble around pretending I’d already had too much. This is really where I learned to act. Because even then I knew showing up to 8am ballet felt much better when I didn’t have three cups full of jungle juice 9 hours before.
I worked at the University Center information desk, where I gave people campus directions and abused the free printing privilege heavily. This is the first time I learned that it matters more who you work with than what you’re working on. I always looked forward to seeing Bryan and Deena even though I still have no idea what they actually did there.
This is how my twenties began.
In this decade I moved almost every year, sometimes to a different neighborhood and sometimes to a different city. I starred in musicals staged in little barns and toured nationally wearing a Mrs. Claus costume. I cried a lot all over New York City. I started a business.
In this decade I reached out to hundreds of strangers. I met some of the best people and I met some of the worst people, and I wanted all of them to like me. I forced myself to like avocados.
Each hot yoga class, weird hinge date, and culture espresso cookie slowly sculpting me into the person I was becoming.
My overwhelming reflection is that it doesn’t matter how many times you read The Defining Decade or how many Mel Robbins podcasts you listen to. You have to go through it. You have to flail and fall and buy essential oils from the multi-level marketing scheme your friend got roped into.
You have to blow in the wind. There are no shortcuts for the feeling of being stuck even though you are more free than you’ll ever be.
You need to experience the instability your twenties forces on you so that you can have the nostalgia for carefully stepping into the shower in your Harlem apartment, contorting your body, so that you don’t brush the piping hot pole next to the door– and other stuff like that.
I’m not sure I’d do anything specific differently, because I don’t want to alter the space time continuum, but if I could go back and talk to my 20ish year old self, I’d say these three things:
Have high standards for the way you spend your time and the people you date.
If you really want to have a creative life and be successful, you need to have better discipline than everyone around you.
Pay attention to what you resonate with so that you can develop taste, which will lead you to interesting opportunities and people.
In the past 10 years, I became myself and now I get to live that way. I know what I like and (moreso) what I want. What a relief.
If your twenties are for developing the rough sketch, I hope your thirties are for adding the color and light.
To prepare for the turning of the decade, I reached out to 30 people:
10 from my inner circle. People who know me intimately, and have seen me through at least one existential crisis.
10 from the edge of my network. Lets say light acquaintances, who I’ve met in some professional way.
10 from my way outside my bubble. Complete strangers, who I admire and who I would like to know or work with one day.
Most responded.
To the 10 from my inner circle, I asked them to spend a more significant amount of time on me. Here are the questions I sent. I won’t share the answers because some things in life are meant to be kept private, but most of them made me cry, joyfully.
To the 20 people I don’t know as well, or at all, I wanted to ask questions that would take them less than 5 minutes to answer. I chose four. Here are some of my favorite responses:
If you could give your 30 year old self one piece of advice, what would it be?
Trust your intuition, especially when something feels off.
Go after the things you want loudly and with your chest.
Start taking personal ownership for everything that happens to you.
Don't be afraid to take some risks. You're younger than you think!
Moving slowly and thoughtfully is a good way to approach important decisions.
Who you choose to marry will have a huge impact on your success.
Start using skincare on your neck.
What is one habit you have that has an outsized impact on your success?
Early mornings. It could be for emails or working out or staring out the window while you drink your coffee. Whatever it is, that magic hour before the house wakes up is glorious.
Asking one high quality question whenever you meet someone new.
Block 1 hour a week for a non-work creative habit (writing, building, painting).
Doing a quarterly audit of my subscriptions and canceling what I don’t use.
What’s one belief or mindset shift that has most positively shaped your 30s?
No one is coming to create the life you want, it's all up to YOU.
I’m the kind of person that has terrible boundaries and an unhealthy relationship to my profession. I used to fight that a lot but then I realized it comes from a place of care so I just accepted it and life got a lot easier. I guess what I’m saying is, be gentler about the things that make you who you are.
It’s really tempting to do the trendy thing, but somewhere in my 30s I realized if it wasn’t authentic to me it wasn’t going to pan out anyway.
You can only focus on one thing at a time so choose wisely. Also, small wins really do create momentum.
I wasn't the kindest person in my 20s. I was impatient and ambitious and very restless. I chilled out some in my 30s, in part because I had some big career set backs in my early 30s. I got a lot nicer because it became clear to me that work is just better if you get along with your coworkers. These days, I try to lead with kindness at work and be generous with my resources. Every industry is small. I really believe you can get further with kindness.
The best is yet to come.
How would you complete the sentence, the secret to life is…
…figuring out the things that bring you joy and prioritizing time to do those things.
…putting yourself out there and betting on an uncertain future.
…becoming really good at uncertainty.
…surround yourself with people you love, who love you. A successful career is just a nice-to-have.
As a 37-year-old woman I like all these points. Id add one more too. Get to know your parents (if this applies). My view of them has changed over the decades.
Love this Carly!